I used to dream of being newly married and moving straight into a large farmhouse on a few acres of land where we make all our first memories as a new couple together, where we bring all our babies into the world and where we grow old together. (I'm a bit of a hopeless romantic, sentimental person)
Well if you know me at all you know this has been far from my reality. When we got married we moved into a small ranch style home on a quarter acre of land that my brother bought. We planned to do a rent to own deal with him. While it wasn't the large 2 story home I pictured I did love that home and I imagined us keeping it after we move into our dream home and maybe retiring in it. But only 2 short years later we where given the opportunity to work on the road building large chicken houses in multiple different states. Due to the circumstances we decided to sell the rancher and move into a camper. As hard as it was to leave there we where both excited about a new chapter and a nice dose of adventure. We planned to live on the road for possibly 5 years and save up for our dream house back home. (Lancaster,PA) But 6 months later the company we where working for had some challenges and there was stress and drama and we decided to move back home earlier than planned. So we found a rental 2 doors down from my parents house and moved in right after Christmas.
We had lived there for a year and 1/2 when the opportunity to move into our friend's Bed and Breakfast presented itself. We are all about it, the chance for me to earn our rent plus some right out of our own home. It was a huge blessing!
Which brings us here, I'm sitting in our little apartment living room in the BNB, there's Christmas music playing, 2 of the girls are playing on the rug in front of me, the other one is sleeping. its November which means we've been here for 1 year and 6 months. It's been a tremendous financial blessing being here and I'm so grateful we moved here but we are very ready for something bigger and something we don't share with other people. The owner is actually selling the BNB in December so depending on who buys it we may need to move by February. Which regardless we are wanting to move soon anyway.
Which brings me to a major stress point in my life right now. I'm so tired of moving, my heart longs for a place we can put roots down, a place we can grow old in. But Ivan and I aren't on the same page as he'd like to rent again and wait a bit longer to buy. It's not that we're having a big fight, I don't want to paint the wrong picture here. We are just on 2 completely different pages so it makes it a bit complicated.
If you follow me on Instagram you may have seen I shared about being disappointed and how I had given up. But I didn't share why, so Ill do that here.
We have been talking about buying a house off and on for the past 2 years but it never goes farther than that. I've fallen in love with several different homes now only to have my hopes crushed. This past summer I fell particularly hard for a house. For about 2 months + I lived there mentally. I knew Ivan wasn't really on board but I 100% believed he would change his mind. I was convinced it was the house for us but I kept it to myself. I had a picture of it as my background on my phone, I prayed about it daily and spoke it out loud that we would live there. I even went to the antique auction when they where selling the furniture that was in the house and bought a few house plants and nick nacks, fully believing I would bring them back to the house when we moved into it and it would be a fun story. (I'm being painfully honest here, let me just go hide now) But I wanted to help paint a picture so you understand where I'm coming from. I was invested in this property and obviously it didn't work out and it left me defeated, I put so much fight and prayer into that place and it I was let down so the thought of picking myself up and fighting for something again felt useless. Then life got really chaotic, I had the roughest week of this entire year. Joey got sick and needed my 24/7 attention, Lena (that helps with the BNB) was in Israel and we had the busiest week of the year at the BNB, breakfast every day and rooms to clean. You guys I was in over head and completely overwhelmed. November showed its face this year and to be honest I was barely holding it together.
Then after a few words form a friend telling me to speak against the devil, God began speaking to my heart. He showed me how I had given up and I started to be convicted. Just because things didn't work out the way I wanted it wasn't a reason to give up. I also learned a bit about praying for my will instead of God's perfect plan. Don't get me wrong I prayed desperately that God would be honored and that he would write our story but in the meantime I was also telling Him how to write it (insert facepalm emoji).
I was going to save this story for when we do buy our forever home and have a happy sappy ending about how God had the best plan in mind all along but instead I chose to write it now, while I'm still in a state of struggling to fully trust God in the process, while I'm still wondering what on earth He has up sleeve. Because He does have the best plan and if I trust him now and live fully in the present he has for me, maybe, just maybe, the things he will do through me will be greater than the things I wanted to do through me.